Each month some of Britain’s top gardening experts answer reader questions in Gardener’s World Magazine. While their advice might be accurate, sound, and worth listening to, that’s not how I roll. Here are my answers instead.
How can I stop badgers digging up my garden?
Ronnie, East Sussex
Have you tried distracting them? Set up a baccarat table on your back patio. Once they’re all sitting comfortably and are ready to play, get a friend to sneak up behind them and knock them out with a shovel. Take them to a nearby wood and release them unconscious onto the forest floor. When they come to, they’ll assume they won big, got drunk, and bought themselves new digs.
What’s wrong with my mature hydrangea?
Mr Riley, by email
It’s dead, Mr Riley.
Which plants will block noise from my neighbours?
Fernand, by email
Water Hemlock (Cicuta maculata) and Deadly Nightshade (Atropa belladonna) should do the trick. How you get them to consume it is up to you but once the screaming associated with the painful convulsions stops, your neighbourhood will return to peace and tranquillity.
What is this houseplant I inherited?
Ann, by email
That, Ann, is a toiletbrush.
Well, close enough. It’s Haemanthus albiflos. And I keep mine in the toilet.
Why hasn’t my garrya produced tassles this winter?
Garrya are inherently shy plants and can take a bit of coaxing to flower. If yours hasn’t produced any tassles, provide it with some encouragement by dancing topless in front of it. Put a couple of pasties with long tassels on your nipples and gyrate furiously while singing “In The Mood”. It’ll soon get the idea, as will your neighbours.
Until next month, happy gardening!